The day after Mother's Day. The twelfth Mother's Day since I held my first child in my arms. The 37th Mother's Day since I was first held in my mother's arms. If only those numbers could be the method we use to rate our motherhood. If years of experience alone could recommend us, then with each successive year we would be becoming living examples of mothering excellence.
Instead, as every living mother knows, we are simply flawed beings entrusted with the care of others. For many of us, it means constant mother guilt. Every decision we make becomes reason for second guessing. Some of it is deserved, for we know where we fail. I do not suppose that this guilt is new to the current generation. How must Eve have suffered with guilt that we can scarcely understand?
There is another guilt, however. One that comes from our own insecurities. Insecurities we have carried with us since we were the child.
And that is the world in which we live. Each of us that lays claim to the title of mother, lives somewhere between being a responsible, mature adult and being a scared little girl. Living between a rational understanding of life and an internal sense of what has been lost. Nothing is simple. Good days and bad days collide with alarming regularity.
At what point, do the good days, when we are the responsible mother figure, outnumber the bad days, when we are ruled by the insecurities of our youth? Is there an age or a number of years as a mother that will take me to a place where I claim my role whole-heartedly? When I am not surprised to look around me at children rapidly changing into young people with thoughts, ideas, talents and yes, insecurities of their own.
The two sides of me, secure and insecure, battle within. Can I really be a mother when I still feel like a little girl? My own daughter looks to me for answers to questions that I never found. How can I help her when there are days that I feel she may be the better adult, and I the child?
Fear can overwhelm a mother. The fact is, while we may not see ourselves as adequate, we have been given this mission by the One who best knows what we need. It is no accident that we are the ones in charge.
As for that little girl, the one that lives within me still, He knows her too. He has loved her and goes before her each step of the way. He created her for a purpose. I do believe that regardless of how I feel day to day, that my greatest purpose is to mother these children.
He desires that we claim our purpose and our mission.
The little girl.....is she simply a diversion; a weakness we carry with us? Certainly there are weaknesses there, but maybe....maybe..that is why He allows us to continue living with her. For if we were strong every day, if we were confident in each decision, if we were secure in ourselves, then we would never need the comfort and guiding of His mighty Hand.
It is the little girl that looks up into His face and says, "Lead me, for I am lost. Strengthen me, for I am weak. Hold me, so that I can then hold them."
Thank you, Father, for the little girl. Help me to be the woman, and the mother, you long for me to be.
"But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price." I Pet. 3:4
"...Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein." Luke 18:17
Owl's Head Lighthouse, Owl's Head, ME
Monday, May 9, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
The Treasure Beneath
Tackling spring cleaning can be a daunting task, but tackling the small and packed bedroom of two daughters who are self-proclaimed collectors can be downright terrifying. When those daughters are 6 years apart in age you can be assured that the collections are many and varied.
Clothing, dolls, books, yarn, tin cans, ponies, hats and yes, Christmas decorations......and that is only what I am looking at from the doorway. Dresser piled high, wall hooks so full that it only appears to be a wall of clothing, bags and jump ropes. Assorted tiny brushes, doll clothes, strings and many unnamed items lurk about on the floor.
After repeated unsuccessful attempts to get the sisters to work together on this chore, their mother finally steps in and begins a long overdue purge. I must say that one of the aforementioned sisters does try to maintain order, but the younger is a hard-nosed messy. The bedroom inevitably becomes a battleground. Please do not think that I am giving up on teaching my children to clean up after themselves. I am not; however, there are times when it is beneficial to stop issuing orders, roll up your sleeves and work with them.
I guess that time has come.
Some things are easy to handle.....well, maybe not easy.....the clothes that the younger is so quickly outgrowing SHOULD go directly into the bag headed for Goodwill again. But then.....this mother thinks of all the times her baby has worn that outfit, and mourns the inevitable changes that it signals.
It SHOULD be easy to quickly weed out the useless, cheap toys (i.e. happy meal prizes), but then I think of all the times I see them playing happily with the cheapo toys and not even noticing the more expensive, higher quality toys sitting close by. (I have given up trying to understand what will fascinate my children's imaginations.)
Okay. So maybe their mother has some issues too.
I weed. I sort. I throw....a little.
As I tackle the drawers of the dresser that they share I pull out clothing that I had forgotten about.
"What about this pair of pants?" I ask my older daughter.
"Oh yeah, I forgot about those," she replies sheepishly.
"I don't remember this outfit either," I say.
"I got that when I was in Maine, but I just didn't see them in my drawer so I forgot about them."
Half jokingly and half to show her that I do not want to hear that she has no clothes, I have her change into a pair of capris that still has tags on them. What do you know....they fit and they're cute.
"Its amazing what you can find when you actually look in the drawer, Daughter," I joke with the girl who is soon to be looking down at me.
Later I was thinking about the purging process and how so often it becomes about getting rid of the junk....a necessary task. But the exciting part of it is the treasures that you can find when the junk is moved.
Everyone has junk. We call it "baggage". No one really wants it, but it becomes part of who we think we are, so we hang on. The funny thing is that when we are finally persuaded to let go of some particular baggage, we quite often can find a piece of ourselves that we had forgotten was there. Many times it is a valuable piece.....of so much more value than the other that was hiding it.
Perhaps we look at it in surprise and say, "I thought that was just part of my past. I didn't even know it had a place in my present." Talents, hobbies and gifts of many kinds are kept safely by our Lord for a time when we will be ready to use them again. For there are no mistakes in His plan. The dreams he gave as a child, the talents that were nurtured for a time and then forgotten.....these are kept in Heavenly hands.
We have occupied our lives studying the "baggage" we have collected and have missed the treasures sitting close by. As we respond to His leading and remove or let go of the baggage we can begin to see all the treasures He has stored for us.
I imagine His gentle smile as He reveals the gifts of our past.
"See here, my child. Will you remember this gift I gave you so long ago? I have held it for you. You thought it was gone, but I did not give it, to take it away. Take it now and use it for me. I will multiply it and bless it, if you will only accept it back again with full understanding of where it has come from."
"And the LORD said unto him, 'What is that in thine hand?' And he said, 'A rod.'" (Ex. 4:2)
"Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always have all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work:" (II Cor. 9:7,8)
Clothing, dolls, books, yarn, tin cans, ponies, hats and yes, Christmas decorations......and that is only what I am looking at from the doorway. Dresser piled high, wall hooks so full that it only appears to be a wall of clothing, bags and jump ropes. Assorted tiny brushes, doll clothes, strings and many unnamed items lurk about on the floor.
After repeated unsuccessful attempts to get the sisters to work together on this chore, their mother finally steps in and begins a long overdue purge. I must say that one of the aforementioned sisters does try to maintain order, but the younger is a hard-nosed messy. The bedroom inevitably becomes a battleground. Please do not think that I am giving up on teaching my children to clean up after themselves. I am not; however, there are times when it is beneficial to stop issuing orders, roll up your sleeves and work with them.
I guess that time has come.
Some things are easy to handle.....well, maybe not easy.....the clothes that the younger is so quickly outgrowing SHOULD go directly into the bag headed for Goodwill again. But then.....this mother thinks of all the times her baby has worn that outfit, and mourns the inevitable changes that it signals.
It SHOULD be easy to quickly weed out the useless, cheap toys (i.e. happy meal prizes), but then I think of all the times I see them playing happily with the cheapo toys and not even noticing the more expensive, higher quality toys sitting close by. (I have given up trying to understand what will fascinate my children's imaginations.)
Okay. So maybe their mother has some issues too.
I weed. I sort. I throw....a little.
As I tackle the drawers of the dresser that they share I pull out clothing that I had forgotten about.
"What about this pair of pants?" I ask my older daughter.
"Oh yeah, I forgot about those," she replies sheepishly.
"I don't remember this outfit either," I say.
"I got that when I was in Maine, but I just didn't see them in my drawer so I forgot about them."
Half jokingly and half to show her that I do not want to hear that she has no clothes, I have her change into a pair of capris that still has tags on them. What do you know....they fit and they're cute.
"Its amazing what you can find when you actually look in the drawer, Daughter," I joke with the girl who is soon to be looking down at me.
Later I was thinking about the purging process and how so often it becomes about getting rid of the junk....a necessary task. But the exciting part of it is the treasures that you can find when the junk is moved.
Everyone has junk. We call it "baggage". No one really wants it, but it becomes part of who we think we are, so we hang on. The funny thing is that when we are finally persuaded to let go of some particular baggage, we quite often can find a piece of ourselves that we had forgotten was there. Many times it is a valuable piece.....of so much more value than the other that was hiding it.
Perhaps we look at it in surprise and say, "I thought that was just part of my past. I didn't even know it had a place in my present." Talents, hobbies and gifts of many kinds are kept safely by our Lord for a time when we will be ready to use them again. For there are no mistakes in His plan. The dreams he gave as a child, the talents that were nurtured for a time and then forgotten.....these are kept in Heavenly hands.
We have occupied our lives studying the "baggage" we have collected and have missed the treasures sitting close by. As we respond to His leading and remove or let go of the baggage we can begin to see all the treasures He has stored for us.
I imagine His gentle smile as He reveals the gifts of our past.
"See here, my child. Will you remember this gift I gave you so long ago? I have held it for you. You thought it was gone, but I did not give it, to take it away. Take it now and use it for me. I will multiply it and bless it, if you will only accept it back again with full understanding of where it has come from."
"And the LORD said unto him, 'What is that in thine hand?' And he said, 'A rod.'" (Ex. 4:2)
"Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always have all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work:" (II Cor. 9:7,8)
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Hope Springs New
The sun beats down again. Spring breezes play in the branches of the trees. Nearly a year has completed it's turn since I first met here in this place to share my life with those who dare to share in it.
There have been weeks that have given rise to many and varied thoughts. At other times it seems there has been a total lack of sharing and the place becomes stale without the people breath within. During those times I think of entering, but for one reason or another choose not to share of myself.
Too often my mind becomes clouded with so many thoughts and emotions that to sort them out for sharing seems an insurmountable task. Individual thoughts and ideas need time to grow into some sort of fruit before they can be shared for any good.
With the return of the sun, the breeze and new life, perhaps I become more able to share here with you. Spring speaks of hope....of reasons to press on. The emotional pain of winter begins to fade as the light of physical hope shines around us. As the crusted soil breaks open to share slivers of green with the world above, I see and am encouraged. I ask the Lord to open the heart of this one, that His light may shine.
This same cycle continues as it has since the beginning. Winter always gives way to hope. Our Father will never leave us in the winter....thank-you, Father.
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;.......A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and time to speak;"
"He hath made every thing beautiful in his time." (Ecc. 3:1-4,7,11a)
There have been weeks that have given rise to many and varied thoughts. At other times it seems there has been a total lack of sharing and the place becomes stale without the people breath within. During those times I think of entering, but for one reason or another choose not to share of myself.
Too often my mind becomes clouded with so many thoughts and emotions that to sort them out for sharing seems an insurmountable task. Individual thoughts and ideas need time to grow into some sort of fruit before they can be shared for any good.
With the return of the sun, the breeze and new life, perhaps I become more able to share here with you. Spring speaks of hope....of reasons to press on. The emotional pain of winter begins to fade as the light of physical hope shines around us. As the crusted soil breaks open to share slivers of green with the world above, I see and am encouraged. I ask the Lord to open the heart of this one, that His light may shine.
This same cycle continues as it has since the beginning. Winter always gives way to hope. Our Father will never leave us in the winter....thank-you, Father.
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;.......A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and time to speak;"
"He hath made every thing beautiful in his time." (Ecc. 3:1-4,7,11a)
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
What's For Supper?
They want to know what's for supper.....AGAIN!
They, being the four that call me Mommy. Regardless of what else is happening in our lives they always want to know, "What's for supper?" It is a cry that is heard all over the world by mothers everywhere. And most of the time it is a trigger for confusion and monotony.
Oh, yeah. Supper. Didn't I just feed them? No that was two hours ago when I made about 5 gallons of popcorn. Often my mind is trained on too many things. I am thinking of my exercise plan for the day and grieving for the family members whose health continues to fail while I am away from them. Spelling tests, grading first and second grade math, nurturing our marriage, dishes that never end and the oversight of the growth of four very human little people all leave me feeling super-saturated with life.
As I attempt to retreat inside the walls of my mind, the cry comes from out there. "Supper? Food? Something to eat?" The emotion behind the words become more insistent the longer I attempt to retreat.
Can they really be that hungry....already?
I think maybe that the words they say are actually needing translation. "Mommy, do you see me? Are you thinking of me? Will you meet my needs? Mommy?"
When the words actually translate in my mind, I can look at them with love instead of annoyance. Can they tell my mind is elsewhere? No doubt.
Because their needs are as deep as my own, I will see what mommy-miracles I can perform with a can of beans and one of corn. It matters less to them what is on their plates than that it is placed there by the one they depend on. Their security is in knowing that the parents they love will continue to provide.
So I know, and long to be reassured, that my Provider will meet my ongoing and sometimes very messy needs. I come to Him, begging for help, without the right words to truly express my feelings, and yet He does not fail to fill the longings in my soul.
My words need no translator for He sees beyond them into my need.....and He meets me there. Unlike this mother, He is never failing.....never absent. He sees His child and He....always.....meets the need.
"...But ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ;" Rom. 8:15-17
"And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God." Rom. 8:27
"And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, LORD, hast not forsaken them that seek thee." Psalms 9:10
They, being the four that call me Mommy. Regardless of what else is happening in our lives they always want to know, "What's for supper?" It is a cry that is heard all over the world by mothers everywhere. And most of the time it is a trigger for confusion and monotony.
Oh, yeah. Supper. Didn't I just feed them? No that was two hours ago when I made about 5 gallons of popcorn. Often my mind is trained on too many things. I am thinking of my exercise plan for the day and grieving for the family members whose health continues to fail while I am away from them. Spelling tests, grading first and second grade math, nurturing our marriage, dishes that never end and the oversight of the growth of four very human little people all leave me feeling super-saturated with life.
As I attempt to retreat inside the walls of my mind, the cry comes from out there. "Supper? Food? Something to eat?" The emotion behind the words become more insistent the longer I attempt to retreat.
Can they really be that hungry....already?
I think maybe that the words they say are actually needing translation. "Mommy, do you see me? Are you thinking of me? Will you meet my needs? Mommy?"
When the words actually translate in my mind, I can look at them with love instead of annoyance. Can they tell my mind is elsewhere? No doubt.
Because their needs are as deep as my own, I will see what mommy-miracles I can perform with a can of beans and one of corn. It matters less to them what is on their plates than that it is placed there by the one they depend on. Their security is in knowing that the parents they love will continue to provide.
So I know, and long to be reassured, that my Provider will meet my ongoing and sometimes very messy needs. I come to Him, begging for help, without the right words to truly express my feelings, and yet He does not fail to fill the longings in my soul.
My words need no translator for He sees beyond them into my need.....and He meets me there. Unlike this mother, He is never failing.....never absent. He sees His child and He....always.....meets the need.
"...But ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ;" Rom. 8:15-17
"And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God." Rom. 8:27
"And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, LORD, hast not forsaken them that seek thee." Psalms 9:10
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Transparent
Empty screen, music that moves my soul and keys waiting to be directed.
I feel the sense of coming back to a friend that has been gone for too long. Yes, I have neglected this place of late....not out of disinterest, but for more involved reasons.
At times, since beginning the journey of accepting myself and moving forward through writing, others have commented on the transparency of the words that have come from within. And they are correct when they interpret transparency. For it is my very deepest thoughts that form in print.
Because of this, there are times in life when the inner thoughts are too much to open for perusal. When soul searching is too deep to share. When pains are too acute to bear before others. The transparency would be too much, and since that is how I write, it has been safer to abstain from this public display of my very being.
Over the last several months I have been becoming stronger......physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. But I have to say that the only one I feel I have had any control over is the physical growth. I have been leaving it all out there....on the track, the treadmill, the mat and wherever else I happened to find to beat my body into submission.
The other aspects of my growth have been simply in allowing my Lord to take me through the fires He has chosen for me and keeping my eyes on His dear face. The pain of physical exercise is beginning to show in my body. I feel strength where before I felt weakness. So also the strength of my faith increases as I allow him to do His work, painful though it may be.
There is no person on this earth who does not suffer. Each one can remember those times of loneliness....not loneliness because there is no one else around, but that which comes from being on a path that no one but Him can travel with you. We may fight against it for a time and try to pull others in, but growth will lead us to see, as Christian did in Pilgrim's Progress, that there is a time when we must walk along alone and then we will receive all the love, and guidance and strength for which we have been seeking. It is on that lonely road, and only there, that His face becomes clear and His heart beats in our ears.
If we continue on that road He will lead us on into more towns and places of service, but we will not forget that the journey is ours. Others come and go. We love some intensely, but we cannot walk their road for them or they for us.
We are so blessed if on this earth we are given one or two people who share our hopes, our dreams and with whom we feel completely loved and accepted. But even the greatest of relationships in this place cannot compare with the depth and beauty of the love of the One who has already borne our sorrows and our sins. There is nothing greater.
This place is a special one for me. I do hope you see my transparency......but through my transparency, I hope, you will see Jesus. Anything less than transparency would just block your view of Him.
"Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,
Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1,2
I feel the sense of coming back to a friend that has been gone for too long. Yes, I have neglected this place of late....not out of disinterest, but for more involved reasons.
At times, since beginning the journey of accepting myself and moving forward through writing, others have commented on the transparency of the words that have come from within. And they are correct when they interpret transparency. For it is my very deepest thoughts that form in print.
Because of this, there are times in life when the inner thoughts are too much to open for perusal. When soul searching is too deep to share. When pains are too acute to bear before others. The transparency would be too much, and since that is how I write, it has been safer to abstain from this public display of my very being.
Over the last several months I have been becoming stronger......physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. But I have to say that the only one I feel I have had any control over is the physical growth. I have been leaving it all out there....on the track, the treadmill, the mat and wherever else I happened to find to beat my body into submission.
The other aspects of my growth have been simply in allowing my Lord to take me through the fires He has chosen for me and keeping my eyes on His dear face. The pain of physical exercise is beginning to show in my body. I feel strength where before I felt weakness. So also the strength of my faith increases as I allow him to do His work, painful though it may be.
There is no person on this earth who does not suffer. Each one can remember those times of loneliness....not loneliness because there is no one else around, but that which comes from being on a path that no one but Him can travel with you. We may fight against it for a time and try to pull others in, but growth will lead us to see, as Christian did in Pilgrim's Progress, that there is a time when we must walk along alone and then we will receive all the love, and guidance and strength for which we have been seeking. It is on that lonely road, and only there, that His face becomes clear and His heart beats in our ears.
If we continue on that road He will lead us on into more towns and places of service, but we will not forget that the journey is ours. Others come and go. We love some intensely, but we cannot walk their road for them or they for us.
We are so blessed if on this earth we are given one or two people who share our hopes, our dreams and with whom we feel completely loved and accepted. But even the greatest of relationships in this place cannot compare with the depth and beauty of the love of the One who has already borne our sorrows and our sins. There is nothing greater.
This place is a special one for me. I do hope you see my transparency......but through my transparency, I hope, you will see Jesus. Anything less than transparency would just block your view of Him.
"Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,
Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1,2
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