Little hurts rain down like hail against my sensitive nature. The things that happen when you live with and around people....especially around those you love. Each thoughtless word hits and stings. I react. I always do.
I return the missiles with more of my own. Words. My best friends, and my worst enemies. Language has always been an easy sword for me to wield. But I often become confused on which side I am fighting.
Words of love and life have been given to me in His Word. He commanded me to spread them. I do.......until I receive the first stinging wound. Then, instead of peace or love or truth, I spread hate, hurt and the lies of His enemy without thought of the damage being done.
Feelings of self-pity, insecurity and discouragement rise to the surface when triggered by the words or actions of those I love. I make them pay for their offense. I hurt them because I want to hurt them....for one brief moment. Then the Spirit lays His hand on my shoulder.
I feel it there, and I don't want to look. I know He sees, and I am ashamed. I go through the arguments in my mind of why I am right. Justifying my cruelty by my own hurts.
And He shows me once again that there are more hurts to lay down at His feet. He died for those too. My arguments that felt so strong, fall as ash around me.
Naked truth lies before me. I can face it or turn away and pick back up my offense. I wish the decision came easily, but it doesn't. I reach toward the offense, wanting to hold onto the pain that has long been my companion. Easier by far than giving it over to my Life Giver.
I feel His love and I know that I am wrong. I must leave it before Him.
I am frustrated by my repeated failures. I know that each little victory will lead to more. Each moment spent with Him and in His Word will bring me closer to the place, the mission, he has for me.
Humility first. Apologies. Hugs. Learning to lay it all down. Accepting that my human response is almost always wrong. That praying for wisdom once a day is not enough. It takes prayer, "without ceasing" and "giving thanks always."
"Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth! And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell....Therewith bless we God, even the Father: and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be." (James 3:5,6,9,10)
"Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you: let him shew out of a good conversation his words with meekness of wisdom. But if ye have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not, and lie not against the truth. This wisdom descendeth, not from above, but is earthly, sensual, devilish. For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work. But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits....." (James 3:13-17)