I'm struggling right now, and I so wish that I was not. I wish that I just naturally saw the good in things; but no one who knows me would ever accuse me of being an optimist! I am especially gifted at finding the problem in any situation. Thankfully, the Lord blessed me with a husband who is a beautiful, optimistic soul, to balance my natural moroseness.
In large part, my husband being away so much this time of year, is affecting my outlook. It is to my shame, that I depend on him so much to keep me stable. He has always been the rock I leaned on. Taking the children when I no longer felt I could deal. Allowing me to take the time I need alone, so that I can recharge. He never complains. He has just been there.
When we began the journey we now travel, our lives changed. Oh, he is still there for me, but the demands of his work are great. This time of year, weeks become long and hard for him, and he reaches home, only to collapse until he is due to leave again. I hesitate to even write this, because I know he is going to read it. But he says, "Hurry and write again, so that I have something to read with my morning coffee." Sweet man.
I do not mean to present him as being selfish or calloused, because he is not. He is a wonderful father and husband. I am the one that has been needy. Though not a natural optimist, I am naturally selfish, and I want him to be here to meet my many needs. When I look in his eyes and see exhaustion, I panic. "No, no, no!" I think. "You cannot be exhausted. You don't know how badly I need you to come in and be strong right now. I have dealt with people this week, and now you need to take over!"
On looking at myself in this mirror of words, I am appalled. Why am I like this? He has dealt with hundreds of people in any given week, and I wilt after greeting a handful. Selfishness. And so many other weaknesses; too many to number. Perhaps I am being too honest. Few care to see naked honesty.
At some point, we all must mature and be able to reach within ourselves and up to our Saviour. Others, no matter how close, can only meet so many of our needs. As human beings, our neediness seems to know no bounds. And it becomes so much easier to lean on those who we see, then to reach out to the One, Who at times, feels so far away.
Our perceptions are skewed. The humans we lean on are just that---human. They have weaknesses and fears and physical and emotional pain just like ours. As much as they may love us, they can never be our all in all. There is only One Who can be, yet we fight that dependence. What will He require of me if I lean on Him? Will He bring conviction to my soul?
The mirror I see in my own words is nothing compared to the mirror to be seen in His. Yes, as I lay my soul open before Him, He will convict, and He will require everything from me. Naked truth is the only truth He accepts. We cannot accept His gift and give less in return. It is too much....I am not even that honest with my human rock---the man God gives me. And yet.....
Is there anything hid from the Lord? He already knows what is behind the curtain I raise to protect my true self from the eyes of the world. He put it all together. Me. He loves each part of me. Knowing my sin, He died to save me from the punishment. Passionate, undying love is the love He offers. Can I lean on Him? What "foolishness is bound up in the heart" of man.(Pr.22:15) How can I not?
"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls." (Matt.11:28,29)
As I look forward to receiving a battle-weary husband back into my arms, I can hear the words of my gentle Saviour, "For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."(Matt.11:30) I lay my heart before Him again, and ask for His strength to enable me to become the help-mete I was meant to be. "Meek, and lowly in heart." But it cannot happen until------it is bared before Him.
"O, God thou knowest my foolishness; and my sins are not hid from thee." (Ps. 69:5)
"Neither is there any creature that is not manifest in his sight: but all things are naked and opened unto the eyes of him with whom we have to do." (Heb. 4:13)
"Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth; but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever." (Ps. 73:25,26)
In Your Name, Lord, Amen.
Owl's Head Lighthouse, Owl's Head, ME
Showing posts with label Saviour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Saviour. Show all posts
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
In time of need
Thoughts and feelings swirl. So many conflicting emotions threaten to smother. The palette of life becomes muddy with colors running together. No beauty can come from this. It is a painting of turmoil and despair. Hopelessness reaches its bony fingers into the mind and cuts off connection to reality. No one can love. I can't love.
These are the feelings of one who suffers with depression. Millions around us suffer in this way day after day. I have been that person. From the time I was a child, the feelings of self-hate and despair would overwhelm. When those feelings come, the soul pushes away from the world. Reality only heightens the pain. Some go to drugs or alcohol, for others they may become compulsive in any number of different areas. Anything to numb the pain, the hopelessness. For me it was sleep. Sleep was the only relief from the sense that nothing will ever change, I am stuck here forever.
There is no better word that I can use to describe depression than hopelessness. It partners with despair to leave the victim hiding away like a person hiding from an intruder in their home. "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" I have called out to that nameless demon that oppresses without relief.
Throughout my life I have constantly struggled with identity. Who was I? How could I be a Christian who had given her life to the Lord and still be controlled by these types of issues? As I have grown older, my symptoms have often been almost invisible, at least to those around me. Often I am told, "You are doing so well." And I think, you know they are right. I am doing better....but why? I believe that experience has taught me the warning signs to watch for in myself. Someone once told me that depression itself is not sin, it is what we do with it that can lead to sin. I believe that. When I struggled with identity, I felt torn between two different personalities. I felt crazy. Since then I have realized that I have come to view the depression as a person. I can sense the presence of 'him', and at times, I still panic with the thought that I cannot escape this intruder.
In Ephesian 6 we read, "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against rulers of wickedness in high places." Some people have trouble seeing that as a reality. I don't.....I have seen the shadow of that power, as have so many others that have faced this intruder called depression.
I can tell you that Christians, in general, caused me more pain and grief than anyone else during the worst years. I do not intend to debate theology on this issue--only to share so that more might better understand the pain of the depressed around them. From the outside looking in, many people feel they understand the problems and solutions of those who struggle with depression and panic. Many are ready to offer their opinions, much like Job's friends did. If that is all you can offer, then stay away, but, if you have thick skin and the ability to just be there, then go. Find those around you who desparately need you and just love them unconditionally, without judgment. And thank the Lord that you were spared that particular affliction.
If, like me, you understand because you have lived in that hiding place. If you have felt the cold grip of those fingers of hopelessness, then please know that you are not alone. The God who made us is not surprised by our weaknesses. He knows the demons that nest at our back doors (for we all have them), and He weeps with us. Outstretched, nail-pierced hands are held out, waiting for His weak and weary children to have the faith to run into them, out of the range of "the fiery darts of the wicked." (Eph. 6:16b)
"For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need." (Heb. 4:15, 16)
Pray, pray, pray.....no matter which side of this subject you are on. Pray for yourself and for those you know that struggle with these afflictions. Whether physically or spiritually induced, Satan is working at a feverish pace to slow the work of Christ in this world. He will attack at any place he can. We must remember that our Leader, our Saviour, is with us and has already been through it all. If we will hold onto Him, He will use us to further His Kingdom in spite of our weaknesses.
"He hath said, 'I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.'" (Hebrews 13:5b)
These are the feelings of one who suffers with depression. Millions around us suffer in this way day after day. I have been that person. From the time I was a child, the feelings of self-hate and despair would overwhelm. When those feelings come, the soul pushes away from the world. Reality only heightens the pain. Some go to drugs or alcohol, for others they may become compulsive in any number of different areas. Anything to numb the pain, the hopelessness. For me it was sleep. Sleep was the only relief from the sense that nothing will ever change, I am stuck here forever.
There is no better word that I can use to describe depression than hopelessness. It partners with despair to leave the victim hiding away like a person hiding from an intruder in their home. "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" I have called out to that nameless demon that oppresses without relief.
Throughout my life I have constantly struggled with identity. Who was I? How could I be a Christian who had given her life to the Lord and still be controlled by these types of issues? As I have grown older, my symptoms have often been almost invisible, at least to those around me. Often I am told, "You are doing so well." And I think, you know they are right. I am doing better....but why? I believe that experience has taught me the warning signs to watch for in myself. Someone once told me that depression itself is not sin, it is what we do with it that can lead to sin. I believe that. When I struggled with identity, I felt torn between two different personalities. I felt crazy. Since then I have realized that I have come to view the depression as a person. I can sense the presence of 'him', and at times, I still panic with the thought that I cannot escape this intruder.
In Ephesian 6 we read, "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against rulers of wickedness in high places." Some people have trouble seeing that as a reality. I don't.....I have seen the shadow of that power, as have so many others that have faced this intruder called depression.
I can tell you that Christians, in general, caused me more pain and grief than anyone else during the worst years. I do not intend to debate theology on this issue--only to share so that more might better understand the pain of the depressed around them. From the outside looking in, many people feel they understand the problems and solutions of those who struggle with depression and panic. Many are ready to offer their opinions, much like Job's friends did. If that is all you can offer, then stay away, but, if you have thick skin and the ability to just be there, then go. Find those around you who desparately need you and just love them unconditionally, without judgment. And thank the Lord that you were spared that particular affliction.
If, like me, you understand because you have lived in that hiding place. If you have felt the cold grip of those fingers of hopelessness, then please know that you are not alone. The God who made us is not surprised by our weaknesses. He knows the demons that nest at our back doors (for we all have them), and He weeps with us. Outstretched, nail-pierced hands are held out, waiting for His weak and weary children to have the faith to run into them, out of the range of "the fiery darts of the wicked." (Eph. 6:16b)
"For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need." (Heb. 4:15, 16)
Pray, pray, pray.....no matter which side of this subject you are on. Pray for yourself and for those you know that struggle with these afflictions. Whether physically or spiritually induced, Satan is working at a feverish pace to slow the work of Christ in this world. He will attack at any place he can. We must remember that our Leader, our Saviour, is with us and has already been through it all. If we will hold onto Him, He will use us to further His Kingdom in spite of our weaknesses.
"He hath said, 'I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.'" (Hebrews 13:5b)
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