Life's Words

There are times that words cannot adequately convey the thoughts and feelings of the heart. I doubt that they ever truly capture the intensity of feeling we as humans experience. There is, however, little we can do but use the system of communication already in place.

Life, in all it's complexity, is expressed as well as possible, one word at a time.

Life, for a mother, is lived one day at a time. Intense emotions are set aside as the pressing needs of those who depend upon us are before us. We feel deeply, but we see and remember that our feelings are less important than the daily needs of our children.

They must feel secure, even when we feel insecure. They must be protected, even when we feel under attack. They must be provided for, even when we feel abandoned. They must feel loved, no matter what.

This is the life of a mother. To do less, would be to abandon the life to which we are called. And yet, this so often results in our own lonliness and sense of isolation. Our hearts ache for comfort and connectedness.

Oh that we would remember that there is One who holds us when we feel insecure, protects us when we are under attack, provides for us always and loves us, no matter what. He is our Example.

At the end of the day, when their needs have (hopefully) been met, I sit and attempt to express the feelings held in through the day using feeble words and imperfect phrases. The words are weak, but the emotions are universal. Because of this, I know that every other mother can understand the truth herein.

We hold ourselves together for them, but we must express our feelings or die. I feel sadness, but feel perfectly blessed. I am tired, but know "His strength is perfect". I am anxious, but know that my God, my Lord, will not leave me destitute.

My day is over, but tomorrow is another.

"I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the LORD sustained me." Psalm 3:5

Too Much

Sometimes there is too much pain. Sometimes there is too much joy. Overwhelmed, we cry....we laugh. We grieve.....we thank. In each case there seems more than our being can bear. Our souls feel that they must burst with the fullness of feeling.

Prayer becomes more intense, but uses fewer words. "Help me" or "thank-you" express the simple but deep feelings of our hearts. We feel less in control, and more in debt. Our hearts touch the heart of the Saviour in a new and exquisite way. He touches us.

Perhaps the overwhelming flood will be relieved when in His presence we are allowed full access to our created purposes. When relieved of the burden of sin, our souls are free to experience the intensity we were meant to own.

In that day, beauty will be more fully appreciated and pain will be only a fire of our past that has performed it's work.

Thank-you, Lord for that for which we hope. Thank-you for the exquisiteness of your character. Your very Being overwhelms us in our sinful present. We cannot appreciate you the way we wish today, but we long for the day when our being can meld with Yours for the rest of eternity.

"One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple."

"I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: Wait, I say, on the LORD." (Ps. 27:4,13,14)

"While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal." (II Cor. 4:18)

In time of need

Thoughts and feelings swirl. So many conflicting emotions threaten to smother. The palette of life becomes muddy with colors running together. No beauty can come from this. It is a painting of turmoil and despair. Hopelessness reaches its bony fingers into the mind and cuts off connection to reality. No one can love. I can't love.

These are the feelings of one who suffers with depression. Millions around us suffer in this way day after day. I have been that person. From the time I was a child, the feelings of self-hate and despair would overwhelm. When those feelings come, the soul pushes away from the world. Reality only heightens the pain. Some go to drugs or alcohol, for others they may become compulsive in any number of different areas. Anything to numb the pain, the hopelessness. For me it was sleep. Sleep was the only relief from the sense that nothing will ever change, I am stuck here forever.

There is no better word that I can use to describe depression than hopelessness. It partners with despair to leave the victim hiding away like a person hiding from an intruder in their home. "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" I have called out to that nameless demon that oppresses without relief.

Throughout my life I have constantly struggled with identity. Who was I? How could I be a Christian who had given her life to the Lord and still be controlled by these types of issues? As I have grown older, my symptoms have often been almost invisible, at least to those around me. Often I am told, "You are doing so well." And I think, you know they are right. I am doing better....but why? I believe that experience has taught me the warning signs to watch for in myself. Someone once told me that depression itself is not sin, it is what we do with it that can lead to sin. I believe that. When I struggled with identity, I felt torn between two different personalities. I felt crazy. Since then I have realized that I have come to view the depression as a person. I can sense the presence of 'him', and at times, I still panic with the thought that I cannot escape this intruder.

In Ephesian 6 we read, "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against rulers of wickedness in high places." Some people have trouble seeing that as a reality. I don't.....I have seen the shadow of that power, as have so many others that have faced this intruder called depression.

I can tell you that Christians, in general, caused me more pain and grief than anyone else during the worst years. I do not intend to debate theology on this issue--only to share so that more might better understand the pain of the depressed around them. From the outside looking in, many people feel they understand the problems and solutions of those who struggle with depression and panic. Many are ready to offer their opinions, much like Job's friends did. If that is all you can offer, then stay away, but, if you have thick skin and the ability to just be there, then go. Find those around you who desparately need you and just love them unconditionally, without judgment. And thank the Lord that you were spared that particular affliction.

If, like me, you understand because you have lived in that hiding place. If you have felt the cold grip of those fingers of hopelessness, then please know that you are not alone. The God who made us is not surprised by our weaknesses. He knows the demons that nest at our back doors (for we all have them), and He weeps with us. Outstretched, nail-pierced hands are held out, waiting for His weak and weary children to have the faith to run into them, out of the range of "the fiery darts of the wicked." (Eph. 6:16b)

"For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need." (Heb. 4:15, 16)


Pray, pray, pray.....no matter which side of this subject you are on. Pray for yourself and for those you know that struggle with these afflictions. Whether physically or spiritually induced, Satan is working at a feverish pace to slow the work of Christ in this world. He will attack at any place he can. We must remember that our Leader, our Saviour, is with us and has already been through it all. If we will hold onto Him, He will use us to further His Kingdom in spite of our weaknesses.

"He hath said, 'I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.'" (Hebrews 13:5b)