I'm struggling right now, and I so wish that I was not. I wish that I just naturally saw the good in things; but no one who knows me would ever accuse me of being an optimist! I am especially gifted at finding the problem in any situation. Thankfully, the Lord blessed me with a husband who is a beautiful, optimistic soul, to balance my natural moroseness.
In large part, my husband being away so much this time of year, is affecting my outlook. It is to my shame, that I depend on him so much to keep me stable. He has always been the rock I leaned on. Taking the children when I no longer felt I could deal. Allowing me to take the time I need alone, so that I can recharge. He never complains. He has just been there.
When we began the journey we now travel, our lives changed. Oh, he is still there for me, but the demands of his work are great. This time of year, weeks become long and hard for him, and he reaches home, only to collapse until he is due to leave again. I hesitate to even write this, because I know he is going to read it. But he says, "Hurry and write again, so that I have something to read with my morning coffee." Sweet man.
I do not mean to present him as being selfish or calloused, because he is not. He is a wonderful father and husband. I am the one that has been needy. Though not a natural optimist, I am naturally selfish, and I want him to be here to meet my many needs. When I look in his eyes and see exhaustion, I panic. "No, no, no!" I think. "You cannot be exhausted. You don't know how badly I need you to come in and be strong right now. I have dealt with people this week, and now you need to take over!"
On looking at myself in this mirror of words, I am appalled. Why am I like this? He has dealt with hundreds of people in any given week, and I wilt after greeting a handful. Selfishness. And so many other weaknesses; too many to number. Perhaps I am being too honest. Few care to see naked honesty.
At some point, we all must mature and be able to reach within ourselves and up to our Saviour. Others, no matter how close, can only meet so many of our needs. As human beings, our neediness seems to know no bounds. And it becomes so much easier to lean on those who we see, then to reach out to the One, Who at times, feels so far away.
Our perceptions are skewed. The humans we lean on are just that---human. They have weaknesses and fears and physical and emotional pain just like ours. As much as they may love us, they can never be our all in all. There is only One Who can be, yet we fight that dependence. What will He require of me if I lean on Him? Will He bring conviction to my soul?
The mirror I see in my own words is nothing compared to the mirror to be seen in His. Yes, as I lay my soul open before Him, He will convict, and He will require everything from me. Naked truth is the only truth He accepts. We cannot accept His gift and give less in return. It is too much....I am not even that honest with my human rock---the man God gives me. And yet.....
Is there anything hid from the Lord? He already knows what is behind the curtain I raise to protect my true self from the eyes of the world. He put it all together. Me. He loves each part of me. Knowing my sin, He died to save me from the punishment. Passionate, undying love is the love He offers. Can I lean on Him? What "foolishness is bound up in the heart" of man.(Pr.22:15) How can I not?
"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls." (Matt.11:28,29)
As I look forward to receiving a battle-weary husband back into my arms, I can hear the words of my gentle Saviour, "For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."(Matt.11:30) I lay my heart before Him again, and ask for His strength to enable me to become the help-mete I was meant to be. "Meek, and lowly in heart." But it cannot happen until------it is bared before Him.
"O, God thou knowest my foolishness; and my sins are not hid from thee." (Ps. 69:5)
"Neither is there any creature that is not manifest in his sight: but all things are naked and opened unto the eyes of him with whom we have to do." (Heb. 4:13)
"Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth; but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever." (Ps. 73:25,26)
In Your Name, Lord, Amen.