I lay exhausted with back against the pillows. What part of my mind is it that thinks I can do this? This life with four children, and all the accompanying stresses. I see other mothers enjoying the ride of it all. Loving the excitement and adventure. I am envious.
Coffee cannot replace the life that has been used up. Thinking of days gone by, when responsibilities were few, leads to strong feelings of discontent. Days of cooing infants, easily pacified by mother's presence, are gone. The infants grow and become complicated people, much like the parents they came from. Drama seems to be a way of life.
Scraped knees to inside hurts---some are easier to comfort away than others. Tears of children cause more tears in me. So hard to see the pain. Knees can be bandaged and kissed. What of the other hurts?
It hurts to watch them because I too have felt that pain. And almost anything is preferable to watching your precious ones endure the same.
So much of this leaves me drained. Can I do what is required? Will I know how to help them as their trials become bigger? What if I am the one that adds to their pain?
Prayers and tears go together more frequently. I think of the Words from the morning, "Wisdom hath builded her house." Do I have her---enough wisdom to train and comfort and love these four? No.
More of the Words come back, "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; and the knowledge of the holy is understanding." (Pr.9:10) Aah. The answer is one that I have known for many years, and yet is so hard to grasp. I have been given access to the One Who is wisdom.
What a fool I will prove to be if I do not regularly access that One, in His place. He Who offers that wisdom liberally, if I will simply ask.
The floor beside the bed of a mother should be worn through, and the pillow be wet with tears. Together, they will bear those children through to the One that will carry them. The One Who will provide them comfort when I cannot.
My children are His children, and He does not take lightly the prayers of His saints. The words of Luke 11 bring comfort, but not without conviction.
"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. For everyone that asketh, receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.....If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children; how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask Him?"
And lest I fear that the awesomeness of that wisdom will be too much for this lowly mother, He gives this promise:
"the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy." (Js.3:17)
I can always trust in the One Who knew my children before they were formed. Before their natures were pieced together with precision. He dries my tears, and He can certainly do the same for them.