Walking through the aisles of the grocery store I felt a heaviness in my heart. Trying to focus on the best deals, I instead was reminded that life was changing, as it always does. And that knowledge caused me to feel full of sadness. My eyes filled with tears, and sale prices became hard to read.
The week has been a hard one, more emotionally than physically. And emotional weeks are the ones that drain a mother to the core. The security that I, as a woman, crave is threatened. While it is difficult to be injured yourself, as I realized this year, it is harder still to watch the one you count on for security be hurt.
All the possibilities that may result from a husband's injuries play through my head. This together with children's issues that continue to pain, cause me to begin to question--not the love of my Saviour, but my own faithfulness. Do I love Him enough to accept His plan?
The way has never been easy, but He has brought us through. I don't know what tomorrow will bring; but then, I never have. I am choosing to trust. No matter what, I am choosing to trust someone. Myself? My husband? My LORD?
Once again, I hold out a platter---on it my dreams, my concerns, my pain......my heart. Humbly, I present it to the One who gives more grace. No doubt I will attempt to take it back at some point. I always do. But in each moment I have that choice, and the grace He gives is what I need, in this moment, to give Him my life. My husband's life. My children's lives.
He already holds our lives in His hand. I can choose to accept it and trust Him, or I can fight a battle that I will always lose. I am laying it down. Tears may come, but that's alright. Tears are a gift He gives to wipe out the pain and fear. Through tears God allows us to communicate with Him our deepest feelings.
"Put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book? When I cry unto thee, then shall mine enemies turn back; this I know; for God is for me. In God will I praise His word: in the LORD will I praise His word. In God have I put my trust; I will not be afraid what man can do unto me." (Ps. 56:8-11)
"They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him." (Ps. 126:5,6)
"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." (Ps. 30:5b)
I can weep, knowing that the Lord treasures my tears, and I can trust, knowing that my God knows the end from the beginning. He has promised me joy in the morning. Thank-you, Lord.